Good to be back pt2

Perhaps to explain more about it to myself since I'll be the only one reading this anyway..

The problem with me is that I don't know who John is.. I just don't know..

I know who God is, I know who Jesus is, but I just don't know who am I.

Like someone who is emotionally disabled, emotionally bipolar.. So dependent upon the praises and affirmations of others that I'll do almost anything to get it..

I crave being significant, I crave being acknowledged... I crave being the golden boy, one which people look up to..

The problem is that i know its not fair.. its not fair to others... how can i expect others to be so generous with their attention for me all the time?

it's like, it is really not possible at all.. i really look up to this mentor really really alot, and in the past, i can always call or sms and "mentor" will always reply... recently i guess i just need to grow up.. to be independent and to live on my own.. part of me really want to grow up, but part of me really still wants to be "pampered" all the time...

it's a paradox isn't it? i want to learn to be emotionally mature, yet i still want ppl to assure and affirm me for it, yet i still crave, really desperately crave for attention... (strange right, that i'm typing on this blog which no one reads except myself....)

the last thing i wanna do is to just blame it that "oh, i'm an only child, its my right to be like that".... Thats pure bullshit..

i wanna be emotionally strong and independent, but God it's just so hard to do... just just just so hard...

i guess everyone struggles with different problems, and this is my achellies heel (yes i know i spell it wrong)

God please help... please!!


interesting isn't it... everything i'm saying here in this post, is so aptly reflected in all the childish nonsense posted since the start of this blog till now... lol...

It's nice to be back

It's good to be back..

It's been like 3 years..

I now know for sure with the advent of social networking sites, no one will ever read this blog again..

Basically, I would say that my life so far has improved somewhat, God really has been at work in my life..


But the main problem is that everything that affected me in the past, is still affecting me now.. The loneliness, pain, insecurities, seeking of attention.. Everything sometimes just makes it so hard to go on.. Life sometimes seems so stifling and hard to swallow... Sighs

The problem is, there is really no one I have who can really be a listening ear. Though I have some very close relations, but hey, there is a limit right? They also not my gfor my wife... If keep calling them, then end up just completely imposing on them..

Sighs.. Sometimes really so lonely.. Really no one to talk... No one to pour my heart out to,,

Really.. God help!!!!