Good to be back pt2

Perhaps to explain more about it to myself since I'll be the only one reading this anyway..

The problem with me is that I don't know who John is.. I just don't know..

I know who God is, I know who Jesus is, but I just don't know who am I.

Like someone who is emotionally disabled, emotionally bipolar.. So dependent upon the praises and affirmations of others that I'll do almost anything to get it..

I crave being significant, I crave being acknowledged... I crave being the golden boy, one which people look up to..

The problem is that i know its not fair.. its not fair to others... how can i expect others to be so generous with their attention for me all the time?

it's like, it is really not possible at all.. i really look up to this mentor really really alot, and in the past, i can always call or sms and "mentor" will always reply... recently i guess i just need to grow up.. to be independent and to live on my own.. part of me really want to grow up, but part of me really still wants to be "pampered" all the time...

it's a paradox isn't it? i want to learn to be emotionally mature, yet i still want ppl to assure and affirm me for it, yet i still crave, really desperately crave for attention... (strange right, that i'm typing on this blog which no one reads except myself....)

the last thing i wanna do is to just blame it that "oh, i'm an only child, its my right to be like that".... Thats pure bullshit..

i wanna be emotionally strong and independent, but God it's just so hard to do... just just just so hard...

i guess everyone struggles with different problems, and this is my achellies heel (yes i know i spell it wrong)

God please help... please!!


interesting isn't it... everything i'm saying here in this post, is so aptly reflected in all the childish nonsense posted since the start of this blog till now... lol...

It's nice to be back

It's good to be back..

It's been like 3 years..

I now know for sure with the advent of social networking sites, no one will ever read this blog again..

Basically, I would say that my life so far has improved somewhat, God really has been at work in my life..


But the main problem is that everything that affected me in the past, is still affecting me now.. The loneliness, pain, insecurities, seeking of attention.. Everything sometimes just makes it so hard to go on.. Life sometimes seems so stifling and hard to swallow... Sighs

The problem is, there is really no one I have who can really be a listening ear. Though I have some very close relations, but hey, there is a limit right? They also not my gfor my wife... If keep calling them, then end up just completely imposing on them..

Sighs.. Sometimes really so lonely.. Really no one to talk... No one to pour my heart out to,,

Really.. God help!!!!

I get knocked down.....

Right now, i dunno wad am i supposed to feel.... I dunno how am I supposed to react....
I'm never giving up..... all the things said will only fuel and stoke my fire to improve....
I guess it can be all in this song....
I will be an overcomer.... a conqueror... King over my shortcomings... Just wait and see....

Tubthumping by Chumbawamba

(We'll be singing, when we're winning, we'll be singing)

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down (x4)

(Pissing the night away, pissing the night away)
He drinks a Whiskey drink, he drinks a Vodka drink
He drinks a Lager drink, he drinks a Cider drink
He sings the songs that remind him of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him of the better times
(Oh Danny Boy, Danny Boy, Danny Boy)

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down (x4)

(Pissing the night away, pissing the night away)
He drinks a Whiskey drink, he drinks a Vodka drink
He drinks a Lager drink, he drinks a Cider drink
He sings the songs that remind him of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him of the better times
(Don't cry for me, next door neighbour)

II get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down (x4)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing) but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down (when we're winning)
I get knocked down, (we'll be singing) but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down (ooh)

Sianz.....

Ok ppl.... Day 3 of my 5 day MC....
Shadow
Honestly, its boring as HELL..... normally, i'll be outside taking a walk.... yes yes.... i know when you are on MC you are not allowed to leave the house.... but hey, don't tell me you haven't bent the rules before..... but then this injury restricts my movement completely.... even walking is a chore now.... haha.....
Sparrows

I was so bored i started watch all my old VCDs.... can you believe it??? in the age of supersized DVDs, i'm still watch my old VCDs..... haha...... for the young who don't know wad on earth is a VCD, its like a CD or a DVD exccept that its roughly about 800MB in size so the movie comes in 2 parts... haha.... began watch all the old movies.... so far i've watched The Thomas Crown Affair, Money Not Enough (the 1st one), The Matrix, The entire Star Wars Saga...... Not bad actually..... but then the VCDs come from questionable sources, if you know wad i mean.... haha.... so the sound and picture quality really sucks.... might as well stream it from movie6.net.... haha.....

Silver

Oh well.... even though i'm on MC, i'm kinda worried wads going on in office..... i'm very afraid to return to office and find a huge bomb there waiting to explode.... haha.... :) oh well.... just gotta wait and see..... oh ya.... btw, 99 DAYS to ORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sparrows

Anyway, don't know if you guys know this, but i've gone back to my bowling passion again... haha.... here's my two new balls that i bought.... looks quite cool eh.... looking to invest in one more tho.... but then lacking the $$$$..... haha.... any kind sponors out there.... kind enough to sponsor a Singaporean talent???? haha..... jk jk jk...... :) i'm quite lousy actually.... the dream? qualify for NTU Bowling Team by 2009..... but i heard the cut off is an average of 170, and that is already super heng if you can enter with that results, but my current average is only 140-150.... man.... needs alota practice man..... :)

Hey f..... dunno if you would read this.... :) thanks for taking my nonsense f...... may HE end up with you and not someone else....... :)

This is the mid-performance reactive ball...
Storm Street Rod.... Cost me $270

This is my plastic ball....
ABS Gold Spinner..... Cost me $200

I wanna buy this ball... High performance reactive.......
Hammer Black Widow Venom..... It will cost me at least $350

Yoz.....

Haha..... its been so long since i last posted anything on my blog.... since i got loads of free time now and also a heart and mind full of emotions, maybe its time to let it all out.....
thanks for sticking by me and my nonsense all these years.... you helped me to grow..... :0
if you dun know wad i am really talking about and just happen to stumble onto my blog, good luck trying to decipher wadever was written.... to those who know how to "read between the lines".... haha..... keep it to yourself then..... :0
you are so young.... i feel like a p*****hile.... so i'll wait.... wait for you to come of age.... hopefully, you'll be of like mind, and feel the same way.....
you might ask, why do i have so much free time now? haha.... its cos now i'm on a 5-day MC.... sprained my ankle while in church..... haha..... i was leading worship for Powerhouse when i was doing "run run run run in the light" when i turned around and there he was, a small boy, right in my path.... like an innocent bystander in the path of Juggernaut..... IMPENDING COLLATERAL.... haha...... so i jumped out of his way, landed on my toes and *OUCH*..... sprained..... haha..... lucky Ruth was there too..... so not too bad.... at least got someone to cover while i limped off slowly.... :D
to some ppl..... : no matter how much i like you, i know i can never be together with you..... but i dun wan to soil our friendship with this lousy confession of love..... so in my own perverse way like this, let me tell you that i like you alot, but i can't bear to soil wad we already have... rest assured, i will make sure it won't ever disturb you in that way... i've already given it up....
but anyway, life now seems quite meaningless..... quite sad..... i dunno why..... i can be so HIGH one minute and so LOW the next... so full of confidence one day, and lower than shit the next day.... i think i have like this sadistic creature growing inside me, one that thrives on my pain and the pain of others surrounding me..... and worse, its battling the good in me..... GUESS WAD..... i have been been feeding the wrong me..... sian..... when will this end.....
yj..... i still feel like a bastard.... playing with your feelings..... please forgive me..... still allow me the pleasure of your friendship....
CMD sunday was a blast..... with the only blemish that i arrived late for the prayer meeting in the morning.... i guess puntuality is a major issue for me to conquer..... even my charges and wards like chow, seng, ryan, walt, lest, marc are all making fun of me for it..... haha.... i'm sorry..... i'm still trying.... :)
js - my best fren while growing up.... i'm sorry for letting our frenship to detoraite.... allow me a chance to once again be a fren.... not just a stranger.... but a fren.... soccer guys, sorry for psing you all..... accept my apologies....
Oh ya.... speaking of which.... All the best to all the O, A, N level ppl.... do well and score well.... esp my cell ppl.... no matter wad you score, good or bad, you are still you.... :) let no one judge you for being you..... but of course still must try your best la.... :)
ks, wy, sc, ll, rp, jt, ml..... you are and will always be my cell members.... you will always have that little portion of my heart with you all.... haha..... the ATM sessions with you all were worth it..... hopefully you dun find me too abrasive.... haha.... sc and ks esp, you guys have a really special place in my heart..... grow well and live well.... :)
Oh well.... i think i should stop blabbering.... Haha.... here is a vid i found recently.... wad can 4 guys and a camera produce???? haha..... watch and see..... enjoy..... :)
rt, gl.... thanks for befriending me all these years.... :) its been like forever.... i'm really glad to enjoy your company and not have you treat me like a side show freak....


Sigh..... this lonely feeling again..... pls ppl.... dun reject me if i call or msg....

Sigh..... Look on the bright side....

Sigh....

Sorry for not blogging for this long.....

More than a month already.....

I guess I was just too lazy to bother logging in and typing this.....

Haha...... Guess what i got for a Christmas gift? I got a one day EXTRA on Christmas Day itself.... WOW!!!!! Wad a great gift...... For those who do not know, a EXTRA is a puishment that must be carried out while confined in camp..... And guess wad..... This punishment mete out upon me is not even my fault..... I just happen to be in the cross-fire..... I'm just colatteral damage..... I mean, WHAT THE HELL??? Thanks MWO *o* T**..... You have really made my Christmas a really special one....

Oh... But then on the bright side, I can hear it ringing ever so loudly..... The sound of impending freedom.... YES..... I'm talking about ORD!!!!!!! One year down.... Just one more to go..... 11 months and 3 weeks as a matter in fact.... :) I'm so looking forward to leaving the conscription of this life and on to the freedom of a civil one..... :)

Check back later then..... Enjoy...... :)
sigh.... wads this feeling again???

My Cubicle - James Blunt Beautiful parody

So Sorry...

Hi its me again....

Didn't blog for a long long loooooong time..... haha close to a month already......

You know, friends are not just ppl, but gifts from heaven.....

Friends are gifts to cherish and to hold.....

So do not forget..... friends are always there......

I'm really thankful for the friends in my life..........

So here's something...... 陶喆's : 普通朋友

Enjoy.......

Sigh..... 13 more months to ORD..... Long wait......
Is it me or did someone suddenly take an interest in me??? haha....

陶喆 - 普通朋友

In the arms of an ANGEL......

Hey there,

Haven't posted anything here in more than a month.....

So sorry those out there that visit regularly..... Haha.....

Sometimes I do have things to write about, but either lazy to blog, no time to blog, or cos of other external issues thats why I can't blog....

This post is another music video... The song is one that really touched me alot.....

Whose arms are you in??

When you are lonely, whose arms do you run to???

Who is your "ANGEL"????

My "ANGEL" is my best friend, the one who pulled me out of my life's wreckage.....

His name is Jesus Christ, My Best Friend, My Saviour....

He is the best thing that ever happen to me....

And provided me with peace and comfort.....

Enjoy...... :)

In view of the grand scheme of things, I guess righting the wrongs in my life is more important that finding my earthly "angel"....

Angel - Sarah McLachlan ft. Josh Groban

Sniff..... Sniff.....

Watched an old MV of an old song.....

Enjoy..... Sniff..... Sniff.....

Too Teary to say much..... Sniff..... Sniff......
Haha...... I stilll feel lonely..... But living with it..... :)

Random Thoughts

Hey...
I've finally thought it through...
I've been silent for awhile....
I am not ready for any relationship....
Time to speak again.....
I do not want to hurt myself nor anyone else because of my immaturity....
Today's special: My Thoughts
God should be first.... Not girls.... Gotta my priorities right....

My Thoughts
Gotta remember..... Theres always sunshine after the rain... :)

I want to sail, but my body is broken.

I want to fly, but my wings are torn.

I want to find, but I'm so lost.

Yet You still Love one so broken, torn and lost.

I want to do, but I too scared.

I want to change, but my mind is weak.

I want to lead, but I'm not strong.

Yet still, Your Love surrounds me.

Time and again You saved me.

Lifted me above my fears.

But again and again I've let You down.

I'm so sorry, so so sorry.

Refresh my life Lord, make it ever true.

Take my life Lord, may I be like you.

Walk beside me Lord, I just want to say.

I Love You, My Father.